This Weeks Best(?) Toys!: Monstrously High?

Welcome to the new edition of This Weeks Best(?) Toys! where I now have a legitimate reason to be taking pictures in toy departments in a store near you. My typical formula is to go over some of the dumbest and most inconceivable toys on the shelves today, as well as berating poor, hard working toy designers for doing the best they can on an alcohol and amphetamine only diet. This week I ventured into the girls toy section of my local Wal-mart to see if I could find any worthy material, and boy oh boy did I ever!

Girls toys are insane body horror Nightmares

Look, I'm no expert on girls toys, but I know enough to expect the mainstays of Barbie and Hello Kitty. While those were present, I DIDN'T expect to find the likes of this:

And this:

That looks like something birthed from the combined wet dreams of Tim Burton, David Cronenberg and David Lynch. There's an entire line of these, called Monster High, many capitalizing on the classic Universal Monsters franchise by selling these monstrosities as the slutty Bratz styled daughters of more famous creatures and monsters. Which means logically, at least in the minds of the toy makers, monster copulation had to have happened. With characters like the Mummy(Ew). The Creature from the Black Lagoon(gross). Frankenstein's monster(ouch) And the Invisible Man/Rapist. Enjoy that thought!

Is it more or less disturbing that it says "Daughter of Frankenstein" and not "Daughter of Frankenstein's Monster"?

Then there's these centaur like creatures that could be the product of looking at too much rule 34. Let me ask you, honestly and seriously now: Why does she have a fucking skirt on around her waist? WHY??

I know, its hard to believe they'r on clearance.

Why is this? Why is it that the girls toy isle is now cluttered with what appears at first glance to be knockoff Nightmare Before Christmas merchandise? Has goth culture slid so low on the social totem pole that they are trying to influence the next generation of acolytes through little girls? Who will eventually grow up to be hot goth chicks?

Why yes I'd be happy to sell you my soul for sexual relations. Why do you ask?

On second thought, I guess that's a pretty decent plan after all.

If you liked this article, be sure to check back next week for a new edition of This Weeks Best(?) Toys, and check out last weeks if your a Star Wars fan! Follow us on Facebook and Twitter and tell your friends about Constructive(?) Criticism! #monsterhigh #toys #goth