Super Bowl LI — Constructive(?) Criticism

The fifty-first Super Bowl is now in the books. At the outset, it looked like it might be an interesting game. The New England Patriots, in their record-setting ninth appearance, faced off against the Atlanta Falcons (in their second Super Bowl appearance, hoping for their first win) in Houston, Texas. My biggest regret is that the New York Jets didn't make the big game. Being #51, I feel certain that I would have come up with some clever "Jet Li" pun.

And there would be a hilarious caption for this photo.

Well, as far as football games go, it was a hell of a show. The biggest comeback in Super Bowl history, the first time a Super Bowl has gone into overtime, and Bill Belichick and Tom Brady set records for most Super Bowl wins by a coach and quarterback, respectively. It was a game so momentous that even as disinterested a sports spectator as myself was genuinely compelled by the time it was over, which means that it's sure to be the subject of analysis by sports journalists, reporters, and drunken sports bar patrons for months, if not years, to come.

I had the TV tuned to FOX for most of the day, for much of it with the volume turned down so that I could go about my day without going violently insane. The pre-game coverage started about six hours before kickoff, and consisted primarily of football commentators saying "I sure am looking forward to this game!" over and over again, interspersed with heavy doses of product placement. I'm increasingly baffled by the proliferation of corporate brand names in professional football. At this point, sponsored brand names appear on almost every stadium (including this year's host, NRG Stadium in Houston), pre-game shows, halftime shows, post-game shows, and "play-of-the-game" features. It won't be long before every conceivable aspect of playing, broadcasting, and watching football has been branded.

You're watching the "AT&T Trip to the Fridge for a Beer," stay tuned for the "Toyota Trip to the Bathroom to Take a Piss"

The game began ominously, as what appeared to be the reanimated corpse of George H. W. Bush took the field to perform the coin toss. The 41st president is 92 years old, but on this particular occasion he didn't look a day under 250. Bush has allegedly been in the hospital recently, but by the look of him I'd say he's been kept alive by a combination of witchcraft and voodoo to keep what passes for a soul trapped inside that decaying mass of flesh.

The first half of the game didn't exactly go as I (or just about anybody else) had expected. The New England Patriots were almost universally favored to win. The Atlanta Falcons, however, made a strong showing. At the conclusion of the first half, the score stood at 21-3, and it looked like Atlanta would be bringing home their first Lombardi Trophy.

This year's musical interlude (The Pepsi Zero Sugar Half Time Show) featured Lady Gaga. Her performance (which began, somewhat inexplicably, with a medley of "America the Beautiful" and "This Land is Your Land") was quite impressive, involving an impressive jump from the stadium roof while supported by wires, acrobatics, pyrotechnics, a swarm of drones, and a medley of the singer's best known material. What most of the viewing public wouldn't have caught on to were the strong Satanic overtones. As Gaga (evidently a Patriots supporter) performed, she expertly harnessed the energy of the crowd and channeled it, using black magick to give strength to the New England Team.

Pictured: Lady Gaga invoking the power of the Dark Lord.

The second half, in a twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of, took everybody by surprise. Soon into the third quarter, the Falcons scored, making the game 28-3 and appearing to put a win out of reach for New England. The Patriots, having renewed their strength through the Satanic ritual performed during halftime, made one of the most impressive comebacks in sports history, scoring three touchdowns and a field goal and tying the game in the last moments of regulation play, forcing the game into overtime, a Super Bowl first. As Bill Beichick covertly sacrificed a goat to the evil god Baal, New England completed a touchdown to win the game.

And that was it. As I've said, it was a historic game and one that's sure to be talked about and pontificated over for quite some time. Love them or hate them, the Patriots are a football dynasty that don't seem to be going away anytime soon. Be it the coaching prowess of Bill Belichick, the athleticism of Tom Brady, or the team's reliance on the dark arts, New England is and will continue to be a force to be reckoned with.