7 Idiotic Horror Movie Reboots Coming in 2017
Its official. The reboot craze has its latest victim in its sights. The entire horror genre. This is a list of nearly 100 Horror movie reboots and remakes set to be released within the next 5 to 10 years. Thankfully about a third of the films in that list are currently in development hell, but that's not very comforting when we still have two separate "Nosferatu" productions in development simultaneously...
Public domain has its downsides.
By the way, that list doesn't count upcoming sequels, and as far as reboots goes its not like they haven't been trying already. In the last 10 years alone we've had Dracula Untold, Amityville Horror, The Omen, Texas Chainsaw 3D, Piranha 3D&3DD(get it?), Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm St., Children of the Corn, Cabin Fever(a remake already??), Halloween 1&2, and The Crazies just to name a few. But this article only looks into the near future, as otherwise it would be 200 pages long. Here are 7 Horror movie remakes that will be gracing theaters with there presence in 2017.
7. Halloween
"But this was on the list of remakes from the past 10 years!" your thinking to yourselves. As much as it pains me to say it, this is no typo. There is indeed yet another Halloween film in production. It also pains me to say that this isn't the only movie on this list that was remade in the last decade, but I'll be getting to that later.
The newest stab(Ha!) at the franchise is being spearheaded by Blumhouse Productions, the studio responsible for bringing you the Purge and Insidious franchises. This is troubling in and of itself because those movies cant exactly be called "good", though they have drawn heavy crowd at the box office. Not a whole lot of details have been released yet, though there is one bit of promising news: John Carpenter will return as executive producer and will potentially return as composer, which is especially cool since he gave us the classic theme we all know and love. Fingers crossed that it will at least wash those awful Rob Zombie films from our memories.
If anyone could do it, its this guy.
6. Friday the 13th
In another remake attempt just 8 years after the last, Jason Voorhees will be returning to Camp Crystal Lake. A lot of outlets are already giddy about Friday the 13th and Halloween going head to head at the box office, if only so they can deceptively plaster the headline "Jason V.s. Michael Myers" everywhere for clickbait.
Don't worry though this one will be different. It's been revealed that it will be set in the '80s once more and will not only feature the return of Jason's mother, but feature his father for the first time as well. Call me crazy, but I really don't see the point of giving a new gritty origin story to Jason Fucking Voorhees. He's the giant size stab-zombie of a kid that drowned in a lake. That's pretty damn gritty already.
5. Amityville: The Awakening
Why. WHYYYY. I could count the number of people clamoring for another Amityville Horror remake on one hand with no fingers on it. Because those people don't exist.
I really don't have much to say about this one, only that the release date is January 6th. Which clearly shows how much faith Blumhouse Productions(surprise, surprise) has in this dumpster fire waiting to happen. Hey Blumhouse, why don't you "purge" whoever the fuck has control over green-lighting this shit.
4. The Mummy
He looks as confused by this as everyone else.
Here we have it. The beginning of a failed franchise to come. The Mummy is the flagship title in the new Universal Monsters series of reboots that no one asked for. That distinction was SUPPOSED to go to Dracula Untold before...oh wait, there still considering including that abomination as cannon(link)? Okay...
I'm sure Charles Dance is thrilled.
This new attempt will star Tom Cruise and feature Russell Crowe as Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde, who will be getting his own feature if all goes well here. It will also showcase a (sexy)female mummy villain, because why the hell not. I just wish I could have been a fly on the wall at wherever Brendan Fraser learned about the production from google news like everyone else.
3. Flatliners
Again. Why. Kiefer Sutherland must owe bad people some serious cash because he was somehow persuaded to take part in this crap. He is even reprising his role from the originals, technically making this a sequel. I get that remakes and sequels make money, but Flatliners? Really? I can't think of a less deserving candidate for something outside of Bob Dylan receiving a Nobel prize in literature. Which, as our own Byron Dunlap has pointed out, is officially a thing(even if Dylan himself seems unwilling to accept the honor). And yeah, I know, Flatliners wasn't exactly "Horror" to begin with, but its close enough to be included in this shitshow.
2. Hellraiser
This is just getting sad. With the past few Hellraiser movies being rights-grab after rights-grab the franchise brings you...another rights-grab. Some people(connected with the production) are saying that its going to be the best outing since Hellraiser 2, but since even Doug Bradley, the actor known for playing Pinhead in every previous movie in the series declined to return for this, I think I can say with a fair amount of certainty that it'll end up on Crackle about 4 months after release.
1. It
This is the one that breaks my heart the most. The production team behind the It remake have inexplicably decided to butcher the narrative of the story by focusing this movie on only the children's experience with Penneywise the clown, effectively cutting the story into pieces and re-stitching ot together. The plan is to film the adult parts for a sequel that could "potentially" be cut together with the first to complete the experience. The thought process behind this decision baffles me, though less so than the artistic direction they decided to go with Pennywise the clown.
God Dammit.
Detestably the main/one thing the original TV movie did right was Pennywise. Beyond Tim Curry's wonderful portrayal, the costume design for the character was spot on. He looked like a clown, like, a regular clown, not a creepy life-size Victorian doll in a dingy white dress and cracked face paint. By ditching the traditional brightly colored jumpsuit, they've lost what made Pennywise so terrifying. He looked like a clown you might see at a birthday party of circus on the outside, with only hints(visually) at the horror lurking beneath. Now he looks like Annabelle's cross-dresser brother.
0. Childs Play 7(honorable mention)
Because Brad Dourif gotta eat too.
"I'm Chucky, wanna play? Again?
Nicholas McCown can be found on Twitter @CCriticismBlog and lurking on the IMDB/Reddit message boards. Check out our other articles and tell your friends, family, and co-workers that this is the best Blog you've ever read, because we know where you live, and where you sleep. Have a good one!
